Thursday, December 11, 2008

I actually want the LHC people to create a little black hole

There was quite a ruckus a few months ago when the Large Hadron Collider was going online. One of the concerns is that the collider may create a black hole on earth. They say that like it's a bad thing. Sure, there is the possibility that this little black hole will consume the entirety of the planet into a space no bigger than an atom along with the rest of the solar system. Yeah, that may not be the most considerate thing we can do as a planet, but let me throw out this possibility.

What if we were able to make the black hole consume only the things we want? How cool would that be? We would have a great waste disposal solution. Yucca Mountain? Why not just put a little black hole down there? Not only can you store all of our nuclear waste in a space that is no bigger than a pinhead, we wouldn't need to worry about any radiation shielding, the black hole waste disposal unit will keep radiation and light from escaping. That's pretty sweet!

Industrial waste is another problem that a little black hole could address. Our friends the manufacturers could become good stewards of the land by disposing of their waste in a little black hole instead of dumping chemicals and other harmful waste on the sly.

The possibilities don't stop there! We could potentially put one of these in every household. You think those fancy Dyson vacuum cleaners don't lose suction? You remember the old vacuum cleaner ad where the vacuum picks up a bowling ball? They don't have nothin' on the sucking power of a little black hole. In some regards, I think a black hole vacuum would be safer than our current models. There's no risk of electrical shock. You also don't need to worry about whether it's safe to use it on combustible liquids like gasoline. Even if there were an explosion, it would all get sucked into the abysmal void of the black hole vacuum.

I would be remiss if I didn't address some of the consumer safety issues that exist with distributing appliances that have the potential of consuming our entire galaxy should they be misused. Yes that is a problem. I'm willing to concede that. But is it any different than say electrical appliances were when they were introduced? They have the potential to electrocute and start fires, but we've learned to use them responsibly. Our automobiles carry enough gasoline to start a small explosion and nobody seems to be upset with that. So I say, what's the danger of putting the power of ripping the fabric of reality in the hands of every man, woman, and child?

Let's be honest. This wouldn't be the safest appliance on the market. I think we'd need a good set of warnings so people are aware that their little black hole might consume everyone. We would need to establish a public service announcement campaign to alert the public what to do should one of the little black holes get out of control. Something like, "Should you or a member of your family notice a slowing of observable reality, please head to the nearest black hole shelter, tune in to the Emergency Broadcast System, and await further instruction."

Another great thing about little black holes is they are perishable. They will evaporate into a cloud of neutrons, thermal radiation, protons, and electrons once they expire. This will drum up a lot of repeat business and set up a loyal customer base. We used to need to engineer small defects in our products to get our customers to come back shopping, the little black hole solves that problem for us.

So, in conclusion, scientists, please do try to create a black hole, but make it so that it doesn't consume our entire galaxy into the space of a subatomic particle.

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